Scary Space - Storage Solutions Debunked

We had to give back to the cave (cellar for storing stuff). I am in a panic.

The question I find myself asking more than any other is "How the heck am I going to find space for everything!!!!!" For the past couple weeks I have Google'd every possible variation of "please let me find some actual kind of storage solution before I lose my mind".

When in doubt, or, out of tequila, one must find other ways of maintaining their sanity. In New York sanity was maintained through the buying of footwear. I'd do that now except (wait for it)...I HAVE NO STORAGE SPACE!!! I'm pretty sure the flat is already unable to handle my current shoe count. I am so shoe'd.

So in the interest of my not being carted off in a straitjacket, I've decided to self-medicate. As they say Louboutins laughter is the best medicine.

Here are the ten worst, unrealistic, and assanine storage solutions and why they don't work the way home decor magazine editors think they do outside of the magical land where these editors live. I have left out the names of the websites where I found these major storage fails only because they have more lawyers than I do.

10. The hideaway television for people who live under rocks and haven't realised flat screens exist yet. Shame my parents threw away that television in a cabinet I had as a kid, think of all that free space!

9.  The most useless tray to ever be partially shoved under an armchair. All I can say is how much ad space did The Basketweaving Company buy that this ever made it into the pages of Britain's most read home decor magazine? Thankfully I now know exactly what to do with my four magazines, my remote control, and a cell phone from 1999. Maybe it's supposed to be a garbage basket?

8. The perfect solution for someone who may be short on storage space and functioning brain cells. I'm pretty sure whoever rolled these towels probably off'd themselves in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond or is having an illicit affair with the bear from the Snuggle commercials because the only way I'd think this was a clever solution was if I got hopped up on dryer sheets.

7. I can see it now. Monday morning editor's meeting. The room is packed with interns full of ideas that they've probably had to come up with because they're underpaid, like alcohol and having food to eat, and therefore live in a Manhattan studio where the bathtub in the kitchen is also their bed. In walks the editor who after a few moments of detached silence shoots down all their ideas because she's finally come up with the best kitchen storage solution of all time. Cupboards!!! Kitchen island!! Never considering any one of her interns would happily sleep in the space on top of the cupboards, a space which is mysteriously void of anything. Either these are the world's first cupboards to allow one to store their bulky kitchen wares in another time dimension or someone has no concept of what it means to sleep on your own books because there's nowhere else to put them.

6. I don't have a lot storage space and didn't need it because of being able to stash things in the cave and I'm trying to do the best with what I've got. If this situation isn't already bad enough, I apparently have to take decorating advice from blind grandmothers with bad taste in handbags. Not only is having to mount your sofa to hang up your coat one of the worst ideas I think anyone has ever had ever, but I think I could search the dumpsters of Calcutta and never find a coat rack as hideous as the one in this picture. It's like a rose trelis got jaundice and climbed up on the wall to die with only the accessories it's owner was too embarassed to bring out in public to cover up it's own hideousness.

5. The focus of this picture is supposed to be the recessed wall and the little benches with their oodles of storage space underneath the seats perfect for storing things and keeping the place tidy for when your guests come over and want to pretend they're in a paralell universe where Laura Ashley has invited you over circa 1982 to stare at the back of her head. This apparently not only provides you with less space to store things than would two high cabinets, but also frees you from that terrible thing called social interaction.

4. You're lucky enough to find a kitchen with drawers. It's a dream come true compared to your last apartment where you kept your silverware in the refrigerator. Kitchen drawers come with great responsibility. You crack under the pressure, having never been all that responsible in the first place, and instead full your kitchen drawers with rubber band balls, paper clips, house keys, your only two remaining napkin rings, White Out, and trimming ribbon because you are a jackass.

3. This closet is perfectly fine, assuming you have a closet and a deep profound love for 1) hot pink, 2) clothes hung on perfectly spaced out hangers in your favorite color the aforementioned hot pink, and 3) no sense of style whatsoever. If you don't love hot pink or have a closet this storage solution is about as useful having a tank of gas but no car while sitting on a freeway during rush hour.

2. If you're living in a place the size of a broom cupboard, but it's not because you don't have oodles of money stashed away then this is the storage solution for you. Custom made cupboards are nothing 'cause you got dividends coming in and this is just how you roll. This might not be something I would have understood before except just the other day on the Canal Saint Martin I saw Baron Rothschild having some custom cupboard put into the flap behind his refrigerator box. Apparently he's letting some friends crash in his cereal box on the Ile Saint-Louis because it has two bathrooms.

1. You're slightly underpaid. Perhaps if you earned more you'd spring for the other half of the bookshelf, but you just sprang for a basket to put under your couch for your remote control and one of those new fangled flat televions. Still you need a place to store that one candlestick and a few other miscellaneous items. You put the half shelves in, thinking to yourself if you're very careful with your spending habits, you'll be able to have real bookshelves one day. Granted you only have twenty nine books and a few photo albums you've spruced up with the ribbon you keep in your silverware drawer. But books say you're sophisticated and smart and maybe if you keep some books around, people will look at them and then afterwards look at that picture of you when you were a kid and that's what you're really after because let's face it people who keep pictures of themselves around are narcacistic a-holes.

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Peter Greenaway's film, "The Pillow Book"

I recently rewatched Peter Greenaway's film The Pillowbook, based on the novel written by Sei Shonagon during Japan's Heian period.  There are many reasons to see this film if you haven't from the interlaced quotes from Shonagon's book, to the sets, and of course Martin Margiela's costumes created specifically for the film.

Since my eyes are trained more towards decor these days, I made a mental note of the elements in the sets that I really enjoyed. The film takes place in many different rooms and settings, all centered around the main characters obsessions with writing and aesthetics and beauty. Here are a few that were particularly interesting.

This first screenshot is just one of the book filled rooms that the movie takes place in, and while I know those bookshelves are highly impractical, I love overfilled bookshelves. 

I have a horrible habit of putting knickknacks and random objects on the unfilled edges of my bookshelves. These particular shelves in the film remind me of the Danish-Scandanavian design bookshelves you can find in a lot of brocantes and design stores in Paris. I like basic the basic wood aspect with natural finish and the cleaness compared to the clutter.

But my favorite piece of furniture in the movie is this massive antique cabinet turned into a stationary supply cupboard. Or as Monsieur says, a tabernacle of ink and paper.

A storage solution you would never see in an Office Depot catalog.

I am a big fan (big fan here really means impulsive-obsessive) of office supplies. I have boxes upon boxes full of different size and style paper clips, Post-It notes, various staplers, note writing paper, notebooks, pens & pencils, and art supplies. I like to keep these things around because if I ever do find the inspiration, I want to have them immediately. Unfortunately in their current state by the time I've managed to find that one marker I wanted, the inspiration has passed.

In the film, when she opens the cupboard or closes the cupboard it's an artistic statement. She's ready to get to work. I've been trying to have the same serious artistic feeling about opening my laptop, but it's just not the same thing.

Since I don't have the space for a tabernacle of office supplies, I've tried to find a smaller solution. Something as beautifully made to give the same dramatic effect that within this object are the tools of my trade.

One of my favorite places for decor items is Maisons du Monde (Houses of the World). Here you can find nice wood pieces from a company that does care about the environment. I remembered seeing a really nice dresser of drawers (perfect for supplies) when I last visited one of their shops.

Mango wood cabinets, with brass accents 300,00 euros.

My favorite is the cabinet in the back with the little shelf that pulls out. I could definitely see that as being useful when digging around for things or wanting just to staple a few pages together, though it's hardly a tabernacle and for 300,00 euros I'm positive I could find something cheaper and nicer at any of the brocantes or vide greniers (meaning attic purging, the French equivalent of a garage sale where people in the neighborhood sell their wares on the sidewalk) for much less and it's a more environmentally friendly option. Still I like the idea of having a chest full of small drawers for office supplies, even if it's not the ode to stationary supplies found in the film.

One of the most interesting connections made in the film is that every aspect from the physical appearance of the characters, to the settings, to the clothing, to even the way the characters speak is all taken from Shonagon's lists or observations of how the world is or how the world should be.

Here is one example of a list from Sei Shonagon's fascinating little book, and probably my favorite.

Elegant Things*

A white coat worn over a violet waistcoat.

Duck eggs.

Shaved ice mixed with liana syrup and put in a new silver bowl.

A rosary of rock crystals.

Wisteria blossoms. Plum blossoms covered in snow.

A pretty child eating strawberries.

* Keep in mind she was a princess.

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