Not just things mind you, but things. Welcome to the world of New Consumerism. Resistance is futile.
1. The Death Star Cookie Jar - $49.99
As a big fan and one time possessor of an original piece of the Death Star used in TESB (I sold it on the boards when my dog's eating chocolate cost a Mini Cooper in vet bills), the idea of eating homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies from a Death Star packs a massive amount of appeal (and calories because until the novelty of getting said fattening cookie out of said Death Star wore off, I'd probably eat them non-stop). It's also an officially licensed Lucasfilms collectible, made of ceramic, and very detailed. Plus if worse came to worse I could theoretically simply miniaturise myself, get into an X-wing, and blow the thing up.
3. Kinetic Magnetic Suspension Sculpture by Bruce Gray - $7000
If you're like Pepper Potts and into kinetic sculptures, this one is a real beauty. Made by L.A. area artist Bruce Gray of super high powered industrial rare earth (NdFeB) neodymium iron boron magnets on the ends of the cords that hold the magnets in place by magnetic force alone. While it doesn't have the visual display of the kinetic sculpture that made its cameo in Iron Man 2, this one did appear in Austin Power's The Spy Who Shagged Me, which was if only by a small margin, a much funnier film. It's also $6770 cheaper.
4. Astronaut Ice Cream - $3.99
NASA has apparently made one giant leap for mankind in the field of ice cream. Back when I was a kid and astronaut ice cream was all the rage we only had Neopolitan flavoured. Now there's mint chocolate chip and chocolate chocolate chip to chose from. Not sure if they've made any progress on making it feel less like you're eating styrofoam, but considering the amount of research that went into astronaut ice cream and the likely cost of this research - the fact that it's still cheaper than a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Sundae and has been to space makes it really, really cool. Even if it isn't temperature-wise.
5. An Ant Megapolis - Cost Uncertain
Why settle for an ant farm when you can have an ant megapolis? This bad boy is 50 square meters big and goes 8 meters into the earth. Sort of kills the enthusiasm I once had for simply trying to capture a queen and a few workers to chuck into a fish tank. Now I'm thinking bigger. I'm thinking I want the Dubai of ant hills. Then I want to fill it with 10 tons of concrete and just stare at it like a sculpture. Sure millions of ants would die in the process, but fuck 'em. They invaded a few weeks back and they abandoned their takeover in the time it took to run to the grocery store and stock up on ant traps. They deserve to die for my amusement.
6. For people to stop writing Big Bang Theory (as in the TV show) related fanfiction - Priceless
I understand. We all love The Big Bang Theory. It is without a doubt the best show currently on television, but sometimes love can be bad. Really bad. Please stop because I keep accidentally finding BBT fanfiction whenever I try to look up where to buy Sheldon's awesome t-shirts. You are crossing a line. There's extemely geeky and funny and then there's extremely geeky where you reference sewing your own ComicCon costume while your tears of joy asborb into the rather absorbent fabric you bought to make your Hobbit costume. In the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper Ph.D. himself, "Bazinga, I don't care."
But no seriously. Howard and Raj are never going to have sex. Just cut it out.
7. X-Men #1 signed by Stan Lee - $101,000
A 9.4 (comic book rating for condition) X-Men #1 sold at auction a few years back for $101,000. It was not signed by Stan Lee, but this is my wish list and on my wish list my 9.0 or higher X-Men #1 would be. I've not only been a long time fan of X-Men (and still am despite the movies mucking things up), but also of Stan Lee. I loved his little column where we answered questions and talked about his art in his comic books.
I would accept should Stan Lee should not deem me worthy a 9.0 rated All-American Comics #16 because while the X-Men are my favourite comic books of all time, The Green Lantern is still my favourite superhero. GL might have ousted all the X-Men from my affections, except I never really liked the idea of GL joining the JLA and well, let's face it Jean Grey as the Dark Phoenix was just too awesome.
8. 2 Tickets on Virgin Galatic - $400,000*
*Once it's been thoroughly tested and the chances of my dying painfully in space with a guest are as minute as dying (knock on wood) in a plane crash.
I'm not sure if every kid wanted to be an astronaut, but I sure did. Now every former kid with $200,000 can soon be launched into space courtesy of Richard Branson's Virgin Galatic. While the website isn't clear how long you hover in space before you come floating back down to earth like a shuttlecock (the plane's landing system is based off of that little net-ball thing you hit in badminton) and you apparently have to don some kind of helmet that looks more appropriate for riding a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle than for keeping you from suffocating in the vacuum of space - I say why not?**
** Once again let me state only after it's been thoroughly tested and the chances of me and my guest dying painfully in space is no longer an issue.
9. To spend 3 months sailing from Thailand to New Zealand - Cost unknown, but pretty expensive.
Ideally the trip's itinerary would be: Start in Bangkok, stock on cheap stuff, rent a sailboat with a small crew and sail to Indonesia. (Yes I can sail.) After a few days break in Indonedia to stock up, make a brief stop in Papua New Guinea (to see my friend who is collecting rare orchids or something), then one more quick sail over the Coral Sea to Australia. Then presumably the last two months would be spent sailing the coast of Australia and sailing to Tasmania and New Zealand.
Of course I'd have to brush up on just about everything from sailing to how to get provisions to water depths, which isn't normally on a pre-vacation checklist, but whenever I think of adventure I think of Australia. I'm pretty sure it's because of having seen Crocodile Dundee I, II, and III as a kid. No wonder why Paul Hogan was awarded "Australian of the Year".
10. Betsy Lerner as my literary agent - 10% of everything I make for as long as I make it
I don't know why I want Betsy Lerner as my literary agent, not really. It's partially because I read her blog religiously (including the archives) and because of other writers she has represented (through the agency Dunow, Carlson, & Lerner as well as prior to her forming an agency with her partners). I have a gut feeling about her. I don't know her, have never met her, and yet somehow I think we'd get on well.
The problem is that the real cost of acquiring such a literary agent as Betsy Lerner is that I must sit down and write an amazing book. I must write a smash debut novel and several others and several more to keep such an agent as Betsy Lerner. But first and foremost I must write my debut novel which costs time, energy, patience, and of course a little bit of money for the bills, food, and the cigarettes I smoke obsessively whilst writing.
They say women never know what they want, but I do. I want my life to be full of the whimsy that a Bobba Fett MP3 Alarm Clock would bring me in the morning. The adventure of sailing in shark (and saltwater crocodile) infested waters. The fulfillment of a lifelong dream to go into outer space. I want to be amusedconstantly and enchanted and to achieve my goals and dreams.
At the end of the day the answer to the age old question of what women want is very simple. We want what we want when we want it, which is usually right now if not sooner.
I think Freddie Mercury said it best. "I want it all...and I want it now".
What do you want?
1. The Death Star Cookie Jar - $49.99
As a big fan and one time possessor of an original piece of the Death Star used in TESB (I sold it on the boards when my dog's eating chocolate cost a Mini Cooper in vet bills), the idea of eating homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies from a Death Star packs a massive amount of appeal (and calories because until the novelty of getting said fattening cookie out of said Death Star wore off, I'd probably eat them non-stop). It's also an officially licensed Lucasfilms collectible, made of ceramic, and very detailed. Plus if worse came to worse I could theoretically simply miniaturise myself, get into an X-wing, and blow the thing up.
Wake up with Bobba Fett and Darth Vader in a way that won't make you feel like you have to do the Imperial Death March of Shame. I honestly can't decide which one I'd want more, which means I probably want the Bobba Fett because even after over a decade since his tragic and pathetic death in ROTJ and his subsequent presence in the "prequels" that raped my childhood I am still a massive fan of Bobba and wouldn't mind having him wake me up, play my MP3 player, or provide me with a source of light for some late night reading. Plus the possibility of having someone say, "Hey turn Bobba Fett off already and go to bed" is a prospect I find highly amusing.
3. Kinetic Magnetic Suspension Sculpture by Bruce Gray - $7000
If you're like Pepper Potts and into kinetic sculptures, this one is a real beauty. Made by L.A. area artist Bruce Gray of super high powered industrial rare earth (NdFeB) neodymium iron boron magnets on the ends of the cords that hold the magnets in place by magnetic force alone. While it doesn't have the visual display of the kinetic sculpture that made its cameo in Iron Man 2, this one did appear in Austin Power's The Spy Who Shagged Me, which was if only by a small margin, a much funnier film. It's also $6770 cheaper.
NASA has apparently made one giant leap for mankind in the field of ice cream. Back when I was a kid and astronaut ice cream was all the rage we only had Neopolitan flavoured. Now there's mint chocolate chip and chocolate chocolate chip to chose from. Not sure if they've made any progress on making it feel less like you're eating styrofoam, but considering the amount of research that went into astronaut ice cream and the likely cost of this research - the fact that it's still cheaper than a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Sundae and has been to space makes it really, really cool. Even if it isn't temperature-wise.
5. An Ant Megapolis - Cost Uncertain
Why settle for an ant farm when you can have an ant megapolis? This bad boy is 50 square meters big and goes 8 meters into the earth. Sort of kills the enthusiasm I once had for simply trying to capture a queen and a few workers to chuck into a fish tank. Now I'm thinking bigger. I'm thinking I want the Dubai of ant hills. Then I want to fill it with 10 tons of concrete and just stare at it like a sculpture. Sure millions of ants would die in the process, but fuck 'em. They invaded a few weeks back and they abandoned their takeover in the time it took to run to the grocery store and stock up on ant traps. They deserve to die for my amusement.
6. For people to stop writing Big Bang Theory (as in the TV show) related fanfiction - Priceless
I understand. We all love The Big Bang Theory. It is without a doubt the best show currently on television, but sometimes love can be bad. Really bad. Please stop because I keep accidentally finding BBT fanfiction whenever I try to look up where to buy Sheldon's awesome t-shirts. You are crossing a line. There's extemely geeky and funny and then there's extremely geeky where you reference sewing your own ComicCon costume while your tears of joy asborb into the rather absorbent fabric you bought to make your Hobbit costume. In the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper Ph.D. himself, "Bazinga, I don't care."
But no seriously. Howard and Raj are never going to have sex. Just cut it out.
7. X-Men #1 signed by Stan Lee - $101,000
A 9.4 (comic book rating for condition) X-Men #1 sold at auction a few years back for $101,000. It was not signed by Stan Lee, but this is my wish list and on my wish list my 9.0 or higher X-Men #1 would be. I've not only been a long time fan of X-Men (and still am despite the movies mucking things up), but also of Stan Lee. I loved his little column where we answered questions and talked about his art in his comic books.
I would accept should Stan Lee should not deem me worthy a 9.0 rated All-American Comics #16 because while the X-Men are my favourite comic books of all time, The Green Lantern is still my favourite superhero. GL might have ousted all the X-Men from my affections, except I never really liked the idea of GL joining the JLA and well, let's face it Jean Grey as the Dark Phoenix was just too awesome.
8. 2 Tickets on Virgin Galatic - $400,000*
*Once it's been thoroughly tested and the chances of my dying painfully in space with a guest are as minute as dying (knock on wood) in a plane crash.
I'm not sure if every kid wanted to be an astronaut, but I sure did. Now every former kid with $200,000 can soon be launched into space courtesy of Richard Branson's Virgin Galatic. While the website isn't clear how long you hover in space before you come floating back down to earth like a shuttlecock (the plane's landing system is based off of that little net-ball thing you hit in badminton) and you apparently have to don some kind of helmet that looks more appropriate for riding a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle than for keeping you from suffocating in the vacuum of space - I say why not?**
** Once again let me state only after it's been thoroughly tested and the chances of me and my guest dying painfully in space is no longer an issue.
9. To spend 3 months sailing from Thailand to New Zealand - Cost unknown, but pretty expensive.
Ideally the trip's itinerary would be: Start in Bangkok, stock on cheap stuff, rent a sailboat with a small crew and sail to Indonesia. (Yes I can sail.) After a few days break in Indonedia to stock up, make a brief stop in Papua New Guinea (to see my friend who is collecting rare orchids or something), then one more quick sail over the Coral Sea to Australia. Then presumably the last two months would be spent sailing the coast of Australia and sailing to Tasmania and New Zealand.
Of course I'd have to brush up on just about everything from sailing to how to get provisions to water depths, which isn't normally on a pre-vacation checklist, but whenever I think of adventure I think of Australia. I'm pretty sure it's because of having seen Crocodile Dundee I, II, and III as a kid. No wonder why Paul Hogan was awarded "Australian of the Year".
10. Betsy Lerner as my literary agent - 10% of everything I make for as long as I make it
I don't know why I want Betsy Lerner as my literary agent, not really. It's partially because I read her blog religiously (including the archives) and because of other writers she has represented (through the agency Dunow, Carlson, & Lerner as well as prior to her forming an agency with her partners). I have a gut feeling about her. I don't know her, have never met her, and yet somehow I think we'd get on well.
The problem is that the real cost of acquiring such a literary agent as Betsy Lerner is that I must sit down and write an amazing book. I must write a smash debut novel and several others and several more to keep such an agent as Betsy Lerner. But first and foremost I must write my debut novel which costs time, energy, patience, and of course a little bit of money for the bills, food, and the cigarettes I smoke obsessively whilst writing.
They say women never know what they want, but I do. I want my life to be full of the whimsy that a Bobba Fett MP3 Alarm Clock would bring me in the morning. The adventure of sailing in shark (and saltwater crocodile) infested waters. The fulfillment of a lifelong dream to go into outer space. I want to be amused
At the end of the day the answer to the age old question of what women want is very simple. We want what we want when we want it, which is usually right now if not sooner.
I think Freddie Mercury said it best. "I want it all...and I want it now".
What do you want?
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